His back was tired of his troubles.

He has sunlight on his eyes when he is excited, nervous.

He is vulnerable, and also incredibly strong.

Disciplined.

Loving.

I couldn't always get his sense of humor, but when I got it was priceless.

He rarely smiles around me, or about me, but when he does it, it feels like bliss, like a blessing, like music.

Hug him is an honor.

Anytime he said something strong against me, like when he said he hated anytime I hugged him on his back, I just read depression, not his actual words.

Maybe he hated it, and I just didn't want to listen to that, like many other things that he said, and I just understood all of those hateful words through his depression.

I was listening to something different, never took those words seriously.

Being a depressive person, and loving a person that deals with mental health is not easy.

You have to fight to keep loving, you need to be resilient against being rejected from his lack of self-worth, being attentive and not expose yourself,  not let yourself get stuck in such a vulnerable position for yourself, and that person.

I still love him.

He might be wiser, and not in love at all like me, he is pragmatic, he urges for a change, for some new blood, to move on from the disaster that was created. Scape, not need to fix a thing...

We both are tired, I am full of hopes about him, he is thirsty of news things.

Where to begin?

I met him in Palomino, he was a little scare rabbit, with all his fights on his back.

I was lost but fighting, believing, living that every day, not planning ahead.

Some years after that first meeting...

I love him, I had to be aggressive with him, like with none in my whole life.

 I had to ask him for answers, I had to get those answers, myself, I wanted to hear his voice. I put words on his mouth, most of them toxic, I gave myself the answers that he wasn't able to give me because of fear, fear of love, and being loved.

His actions towards me said I love you, but his words said that he might be embarrassed about me walking with him on his country, my soul was getting weaker on his silence, and with that, I was getting more confused, sad, unsure, angry, making bigger his negative words towards me.

My already weak spirit was hurt.

I took his silence as despair and hate...

And I use the words that my dark mind was dictating me, after all of his silence.

I felt ugly, older, stinky, uneducated, stubborn, unworthy around him. He did too little to deny it, I never knew what he was thinking.

In the beginning, he didn't say I love you because he wasn't feeling it. When he fell in love, he didn't say it because he was scared. When he fell out of love (mostly because I kept desperately asking for being loved, to be dignified by being loved in the same unconditional terms that I was loving him), he disappeared (I was already too old, he was mature enough to find a new woman, he was just tired of me, of himself being around me, or being the shadow, and not pursuing his dreams of not getting his desired mental health, the one that he thought he could get by dealing with a woman like me).

In the end, maybe as revenge, I was just getting his soul tortured, he ended up screaming for relief, for silence.

I wouldn't recognize myself, my dark soul had an opportunity to grow on his silence, his doubts.

I grow weak, unsure, older, uglier, bitter, sadder.

I still have no idea what lies within his soul, I imagine just the beauty of a tormented soul, that year after year is looking for a change, for motivation, and fire.

I am sad that I wouldn't give any of that, although he changed my life.

Did I suck his energy?

I am feeling guilty, I love him.

We both are tired of crying and trying. We both tried, of course, he did a huge effort stick around, although he rarely used his words to make me feel loved.

I might be not too much into words, he never used his words slightly, he barely speaks, but I have to be fair.

I love him because he surely changed my life.

Also, I felt respected around him, but that might be just standard because he would be like that with any woman.

But deep down, he wanted to be somewhere else.

He'd hide behind his phone, wishing the end of that madness.

It is very hard to love someone that is struggling with his mental health and feels lost, tired of being on his own skin, unable to come clear and transparent with the people he loves about it.

I dare him to take action about his mental health, to be proactive, I guess I abuse the trust he gave me. But I am in love, I want to do for him the best I would, to helps his well being.

How can I ask something about giving me love when he doesn't know that about himself?

I thought love could heal anything, I still believe it.

I need to go back to work.

I want to keep protecting what I feel for him, he is playing cool with me, he doesn't want me to love him, but he is not willing to lose a friend.

I am having a hard time not loving him anymore.

I am 38 years old, I knew I would love him since we played chess for the first time, more than 3 years ago, the same day that he said that he wasn't able to love.

He wants to have more adventures with other women, fair enough, right? I was the first one that took him into that craziness.

I dream that he flies, and move on, find other women, more dreams,  find motivations. I can wait for him if he wants to come back.

But I should stop thinking that way, once he is finally full of fire, he won't look towards me, I will be the past. I will be associated with drama, tears, and pain. Not my intention, all that I was asking for was him loving me back, acknowledge my love for him, it was impossible for him to love me back.

Something is wrong when you start a relationship, and the first thing that he said is: be aware, I might not be able to love, and I don't want you to be around too much.

It is almost impossible not to take it personally.

I thought love would fill his doubtful soul, I tried too hard, he ended up hating me.

I was aggressive, psychologically, or bitter with him when I was frustrated, that is my responsibility, I shouldn't have done it.

With time he will learn, I hope I can find a healthy way to keep loving him.

LETTING HIM GO.

What to do when an emotion is too overwhelmed.

It is scary go back to write again about my own issues.

I remember writing long message to Kurt, full of pain, and confusion.

I have gone through so many unhealthy relationships, it is likely that I might get in more relationships like that as I get older. With the time I might start begging for hugs, and attention, like a depressive old lady, due to the aging process, but also due to my personal human nature.

Always with man that have a different mindset, different language, always with a person that lives beyond some sea or some ocean.

Now, always with broken souls. And if I ever have found a soul that looked stronger, I flew away, a full grown man is too much for me to handle. Especially if I feel that I won’t be able to grow besides that person, and that that person wants me to be his shadow.

So, there are some things that I want to attempt to do in order to avoid getting in such a situation again.

Some golden rules.

I am almost 37 years old now.

A man that I love is asking me to take care of myself, get my projects done, and look for my own stability, pursuit my dreams.

I have the opportunity to become a successful interpreter here in Bogota.

I have no money to leave, I have no business abroad Colombia. All that I have is a handful of dreams that I won’t be able to pursuit. It would be harder to become an international interpreter or translator, or psychologist.

So, I was talking my golden rules, right?

So, let’s think. Things that I have to do before…

1.       Improve my English.

2.       Train to become a brilliant interpreter, (Simultaneous and Consecutive), also a translator.

3.       Earn money.

4.       Save money.

5.       Don’t buy any clothes or shoes for the rest of the year.

6.       Learn Portuguese or French.

7.       Get stable in some city, or place, stop moving like a gypsy.

Now Golden Rules.

1.       First me. My emotional health, my physical health.

a.       Emotional self-care.

                                                               i.      Paint.

                                                             ii.      Sing.

                                                            iii.      Read poetry.

                                                           iv.      Enjoy art.

                                                             v.      Learn.

                                                           vi.      Be aware of my cycles.

                                                          vii.      Be kind with my words towards myself.

                                                        viii.      Stop believing my own lies.

                                                           ix.      Reborn new and fresh.

                                                             x.      Forgive myself.

                                                           xi.      Give yourself pleasure.

                                                          xii.      Reduce bad habits that stress you out. (Bad money management, bad emotional management, lack of hygene, lack of sleep, oversleeping, casual sex).

                                                        xiii.      Get a sunbath all days.

                                                        xiv.      Get a moon bath.

                                                         xv.      Be naked.

                                                        xvi.      Look nice.

                                                      xvii.      Enjoy outside walks.

b.      Work out

                                                               i.      Practice yoga daily. Start again.

                                                             ii.      Got to a gym.

                                                            iii.      Walk daily.

                                                           iv.      Review your posture.

c.       Eat healthy.

                                                               i.      Keep a meal schedule.

                                                             ii.      Don’t use food to relieve stress or sadness.

                                                            iii.      Don’t eat after 7 p.m.

                                                           iv.      Have breakfast before 8 a.m.

                                                             v.      Drink plenty of water.

d.      Physical Health.

                                                               i.      Go to the doctor.

                                                             ii.      Brush the teeth twice daily.

                                                            iii.      Reduce sugar intake.

                                                           iv.      Drink plenty of water.

                                                             v.      Always take your lenses out of your eyes before sleep.

                                                           vi.      Use your glasses at least 2 days a week.

                                                          vii.      Use a pill as soon as you feel headache. Don´t need to let it evolve.

                                                        viii.      Go back to give yourself massages.

e.      Read

f.        Play the guitar.

g.       Develop some social skills.

                                                               i.      Make some friends.

                                                             ii.      Don’t let conversations to die.

                                                            iii.      Don’t interact with people when feeling down, or sad, or angry.

                                                           iv.      Learn how to listen.

                                                             v.      Use less the headphones when surrounded by people.

2.       Taking care of my family.

3.       My professional career – Interpreter, translator, psychologist.

I just want to say, because I want to heal...I expose myself to pain with you just for sex.  And I am not that much in need of sex, my greatest need right now is respect.  A lot of foreigners are in need for sex with the local.  I guess it won't happen to me again. You are right, I am in the middle of a personal battle, I needed be take care of, even though I am independent, sometimes I am tired of fighting. I wish you well. Don’t remember me.  Let me go, maybe that will help me to let you go as well, to forget you.

Beauty

So much pisses me off when someone else is asking me to look like a beauty queen, because according with them, I am capable of looking quite better.

I am getting old. If someone else loves me shouldn't be because of my aspect, it would be such a waste of time, and energy in the wrong cause.

Like loving an person just for an idea about him.

I know that I have to take care of my health as I am getting older.

That's human nature, it's the order we have in here.

You get older, wiser, stronger withing yourself.

Being loved because you are beauty it's just an illusion, like being loved for being good, generous, or any of those stationary conditions of the human being.

However, what should I do in such a situation?

Runing away!?

3 YEARS LATER

This places is for me.

People post stuff on facebook or instagram and such for the other to see what they think, or just to show off.

This place is for me.

When I need to think, to breath, get clean of my toxic mind.

Just emergencies, like this one.

The last post that I published here was about a guy that I loved for 5 years.

He was living in different places all the time, but here.

He were in my country for 3 times, sometimes I said those were 5 times.

I loved him, deeply.

He broke up with me 2 years ago, I broke up with him one week ago.

He's the only boyfriend I ever had,

We couldn't be together because I was too afraid to get a the United States Visa, lack of money, lack of drive, sometimes.

I was lazy, I was afraid, I was having doubts, because he was having doubts as well.

It eneded in the most unfair way posible.

I loved him for 5 years, with a lot of distance and commitment between us

He was so depressed when he broke up with me, He needed to do so, I undertood it.

We kept the hope of me getting a visa there, just to make the situation fair, not like if I were neglected or lazy, or afraid.

I tried, and I got no even one answer from any job application.

Maybe I gave up right before almost success, maybe no.

I broke up with him because I felt that what make me keep in the relationship was a feeling of guiltiness, I am not sure about the guy that I loved it.

I felt his energy.

Sometimes I believe is a pure, sometimes I feel just pain, all the pain that I inflicted on him, all the pain that I felt.

I am working on healing myself, hoping that my own heal will heal him, I needed to cry about it.

I was powerless about the visa. I was tired as well.

He moved on, but when I broke up with him he got depressed, I can feel it, I hope it is just an idea on my mind, I just hope he's having great sex right now, because I am having none, and he is amazing, he deserve being loved, and he deserve great sex as well.

I had this amazing person close to my heart for years. I value any time, any message, and feeling we shared.

It was genuine from my side, it was genuine from his side, even though we were having or serious moments of doubts, just normal, 5 years of virtual - spiritual relationship.

He changed his project of life a couple of times, trying to be together, it didn't work.

I fooled myself thinking that I am ready to start something with another purse soul that I found in the middle of a cocoa field, in Medina. I am trying to move on, thinking seriously about someone else, for first time after my spiritual lover.

How scary and challenging is having a person to person romantic relationship.

I have no idea how to handle it.

If this guy is not enough patient, I will destroy everything, or maybe I will do it by myself, if I am not having moments with myself to re-think what I do, what I believe, to balance my emotions, to free myself from the fear and the guiltiness. of my ego.

I am 34 years old.

I have a lot of opportunities in life, I am psychologist, hating the corruption in my country, loving and hating my culture, looking to free myself from all my evilness, making myself shine.

I have no discipline, I had an abortion long time ago, feeling strong about that decision, maybe the most responsible decision  I ever took in my life.

I love my family.

I will love my spiritual ex- boyfriend for ever, or the idea that  I have about him, or the way was making me feel: alive!!

I am openly moving on.

Time to keep in mind how amazing he is....

The time made me forget why I was about to write this....


But I was in pain, a soul pain, my head woke up with pain, but it was worst when I started to cry, all started to look all it all darker...

I knew I should keep my mind away from that, nevertheless, I've been listening Astor Piazzolla for a almost all the evening! creepy feelings are aroused into my soul... like tentacles trying to keep my mind in that mud! my legs are getting heavier, my arms, my voice!


I love my boyfriend, that's a fact, it mades me mad see him thanking to someone else for their birthday messages but mines... he did it, but secretly, so, I erased my sweet cheesy message for his birthday, and I sent him it in private; he got mad when I published that we were engaged, seems that he wanted to keep all of this in secret, apparently Im ok with that, I even would be his lover if he would be married already!


I love this guy, and when I feel fears, or weakness, I cannot hold them back... I'm not sure if I make a mistake about telling him all of that, all of my inner fears, all of my stuff, he's going to think that he's going to married a totally insecure woman! a depressed one...

What can I say in my selfdefense, I don't want to feel myself as a neurotic woman!!


May I say that when I hear his voice all the things in the world start to make sense for me?

I love him!

Cosas del diálogo no comunicativo...

hubo un mal entendido,  en medio de un debate, algo delicado de por si; en cualquier momento de esos, un mal entendido es algo delicado, algo que puede generar problemas, en especial cuando el debate continúan y nadie hace esfuerzos por entender como fue que surgió el mal entendido. Es muy agotador, y todo parece indicar que de todas formas la cosa va a terminar mal.

Entonces, empieza el drama.

Cuando el debate lleva un tiempo girando a las malas interpretaciones surgidas a partir del mal entendido, cuando todos empiezan a notar que la forma de desbaratar el argumento del otro es haciéndole creer que esa misma persona es la que no ha entendido lo que el otro quiere decir.


Yo te mostraré la luz que hace falta en tu paisaje, yo te mostraré que tu has tenido la mente cerrada desde siempre. Puedo manosear tu dignidad... no importa, terminaré convenciéndote de que tu hipersensibilidad nubla tu pensar... tu razonamiento, tu juicio, ser la reina del drama hace que tus debates carezcan de fuerza; no tengo que pensar en lo que dices, basta con decir que tus lágrimas sobrecargan el debate y por eso mismo ya no tienes razón.

Secarse las lágrimas para que salgan más, para fingir que no nos duele que se burlen, para hacerles creer que no nos duele que crean que tenemos un pensamiento anticuado y cerrado. Ya quisiera.. Él  cree que mi mente vive en las tinieblas, y qué solo su noble y magnánime luz puede alumbrarnos!


Debes vivir sin sueños, sin deseos, dice el sufista, aunque acota: no tienes aún la luz suficiente en tu alma para entender lo que significa eso... No te afanes aún, cuando notes que no tienes sueños o mentas ya no te afanará no tener sueños; y no te afanarás porque tienes la luz.. la paz de haber perdido  sueños y metas porque era vano seguirlas, en todo caso! Qué peligroso pensamiento!! Espero que ésa luz nunca me invada! Me aferro a mis metas, mientras pueda! Y una de ésas metas es amarlo, mantener mi mente y mi alma atada a  mi curiosidad por él!

El debate se interrumpe, estoy llorando, de nuevo me ha dicho: esto fue un mal entendido, tu estás equivocada y enfadada, me voy para que te relajes... sales sonriendo, con algo a lo que llamas paz en el alma; para mi éso tiene otro nombre, y entonces si soy dramática: no te importa dejarme sola resolviendo el problema de tu ausencia, y el problema del mal entendido, de la dignidad manoseada... Ninguno de esos son tus problemas, son los fantasmas en mi cabeza, a lo que llamas drama.

Cobarde y orgulloso te vas, con la disculpa de la paz interior, de la simplicidad, yo aún no entiendo en que idioma me habla todo esto. Estoy sentada llorando.

Hay cosas con las que tengo poca o nada tolerancia: que me hagan sentir culpable de algo que no tengo culpa, que me dejen sola cuando me causan daño, que se burlen de mi, que manoseen mi dignidad, que me intenten manipular a partir de todo eso, haciéndome creer que son ideas mías, mi ego.


Un gran amigo al que casi amo me dijo ayer: Tienes todo el derecho a defendeer lo tuyo a defender tu dignidad, tu seriedad, y no tengo ningún derecho a vulnerar nada de eso.


Lo tomé como una formalidad, pero no me di cuenta de la belleza noble detrás de eso.... defiendo esas cosas con garras y dientes, nadie puede vulnerarme en eso; por qué no lo hago conscientemente con mi pareja? se me ha perdido algún límite, he confundido algo?

Mi pareja no va a leer ésto, mucho español , dirá y además parece perder la curiosidad con respecto a mi, (nada más preocupante!);

En realidad nadie lo lee... y está bien así.

He dejado de llorar, estoy pensando en el drama que se ha armado con él, en la forma como defiendo lo que pienso, en la forma como doy a entender que capto lo que está pasando..:


A sus ojos sólo consigo más drama! por lo cual no escucha, se pierde entre los árboles, no ve el bosque....

Amo a ese hombre... a pesrar de que lucho contra él, y contra mí misma... un asunto para no entender.