His back was tired of his troubles.

He has sunlight on his eyes when he is excited, nervous.

He is vulnerable, and also incredibly strong.

Disciplined.

Loving.

I couldn't always get his sense of humor, but when I got it was priceless.

He rarely smiles around me, or about me, but when he does it, it feels like bliss, like a blessing, like music.

Hug him is an honor.

Anytime he said something strong against me, like when he said he hated anytime I hugged him on his back, I just read depression, not his actual words.

Maybe he hated it, and I just didn't want to listen to that, like many other things that he said, and I just understood all of those hateful words through his depression.

I was listening to something different, never took those words seriously.

Being a depressive person, and loving a person that deals with mental health is not easy.

You have to fight to keep loving, you need to be resilient against being rejected from his lack of self-worth, being attentive and not expose yourself,  not let yourself get stuck in such a vulnerable position for yourself, and that person.

I still love him.

He might be wiser, and not in love at all like me, he is pragmatic, he urges for a change, for some new blood, to move on from the disaster that was created. Scape, not need to fix a thing...

We both are tired, I am full of hopes about him, he is thirsty of news things.

Where to begin?

I met him in Palomino, he was a little scare rabbit, with all his fights on his back.

I was lost but fighting, believing, living that every day, not planning ahead.

Some years after that first meeting...

I love him, I had to be aggressive with him, like with none in my whole life.

 I had to ask him for answers, I had to get those answers, myself, I wanted to hear his voice. I put words on his mouth, most of them toxic, I gave myself the answers that he wasn't able to give me because of fear, fear of love, and being loved.

His actions towards me said I love you, but his words said that he might be embarrassed about me walking with him on his country, my soul was getting weaker on his silence, and with that, I was getting more confused, sad, unsure, angry, making bigger his negative words towards me.

My already weak spirit was hurt.

I took his silence as despair and hate...

And I use the words that my dark mind was dictating me, after all of his silence.

I felt ugly, older, stinky, uneducated, stubborn, unworthy around him. He did too little to deny it, I never knew what he was thinking.

In the beginning, he didn't say I love you because he wasn't feeling it. When he fell in love, he didn't say it because he was scared. When he fell out of love (mostly because I kept desperately asking for being loved, to be dignified by being loved in the same unconditional terms that I was loving him), he disappeared (I was already too old, he was mature enough to find a new woman, he was just tired of me, of himself being around me, or being the shadow, and not pursuing his dreams of not getting his desired mental health, the one that he thought he could get by dealing with a woman like me).

In the end, maybe as revenge, I was just getting his soul tortured, he ended up screaming for relief, for silence.

I wouldn't recognize myself, my dark soul had an opportunity to grow on his silence, his doubts.

I grow weak, unsure, older, uglier, bitter, sadder.

I still have no idea what lies within his soul, I imagine just the beauty of a tormented soul, that year after year is looking for a change, for motivation, and fire.

I am sad that I wouldn't give any of that, although he changed my life.

Did I suck his energy?

I am feeling guilty, I love him.

We both are tired of crying and trying. We both tried, of course, he did a huge effort stick around, although he rarely used his words to make me feel loved.

I might be not too much into words, he never used his words slightly, he barely speaks, but I have to be fair.

I love him because he surely changed my life.

Also, I felt respected around him, but that might be just standard because he would be like that with any woman.

But deep down, he wanted to be somewhere else.

He'd hide behind his phone, wishing the end of that madness.

It is very hard to love someone that is struggling with his mental health and feels lost, tired of being on his own skin, unable to come clear and transparent with the people he loves about it.

I dare him to take action about his mental health, to be proactive, I guess I abuse the trust he gave me. But I am in love, I want to do for him the best I would, to helps his well being.

How can I ask something about giving me love when he doesn't know that about himself?

I thought love could heal anything, I still believe it.

I need to go back to work.

I want to keep protecting what I feel for him, he is playing cool with me, he doesn't want me to love him, but he is not willing to lose a friend.

I am having a hard time not loving him anymore.

I am 38 years old, I knew I would love him since we played chess for the first time, more than 3 years ago, the same day that he said that he wasn't able to love.

He wants to have more adventures with other women, fair enough, right? I was the first one that took him into that craziness.

I dream that he flies, and move on, find other women, more dreams,  find motivations. I can wait for him if he wants to come back.

But I should stop thinking that way, once he is finally full of fire, he won't look towards me, I will be the past. I will be associated with drama, tears, and pain. Not my intention, all that I was asking for was him loving me back, acknowledge my love for him, it was impossible for him to love me back.

Something is wrong when you start a relationship, and the first thing that he said is: be aware, I might not be able to love, and I don't want you to be around too much.

It is almost impossible not to take it personally.

I thought love would fill his doubtful soul, I tried too hard, he ended up hating me.

I was aggressive, psychologically, or bitter with him when I was frustrated, that is my responsibility, I shouldn't have done it.

With time he will learn, I hope I can find a healthy way to keep loving him.