This places is for me.
People post stuff on facebook or instagram and such for the other to see what they think, or just to show off.
This place is for me.
When I need to think, to breath, get clean of my toxic mind.
Just emergencies, like this one.
The last post that I published here was about a guy that I loved for 5 years.
He was living in different places all the time, but here.
He were in my country for 3 times, sometimes I said those were 5 times.
I loved him, deeply.
He broke up with me 2 years ago, I broke up with him one week ago.
He's the only boyfriend I ever had,
We couldn't be together because I was too afraid to get a the United States Visa, lack of money, lack of drive, sometimes.
I was lazy, I was afraid, I was having doubts, because he was having doubts as well.
It eneded in the most unfair way posible.
I loved him for 5 years, with a lot of distance and commitment between us
He was so depressed when he broke up with me, He needed to do so, I undertood it.
We kept the hope of me getting a visa there, just to make the situation fair, not like if I were neglected or lazy, or afraid.
I tried, and I got no even one answer from any job application.
Maybe I gave up right before almost success, maybe no.
I broke up with him because I felt that what make me keep in the relationship was a feeling of guiltiness, I am not sure about the guy that I loved it.
I felt his energy.
Sometimes I believe is a pure, sometimes I feel just pain, all the pain that I inflicted on him, all the pain that I felt.
I am working on healing myself, hoping that my own heal will heal him, I needed to cry about it.
I was powerless about the visa. I was tired as well.
He moved on, but when I broke up with him he got depressed, I can feel it, I hope it is just an idea on my mind, I just hope he's having great sex right now, because I am having none, and he is amazing, he deserve being loved, and he deserve great sex as well.
I had this amazing person close to my heart for years. I value any time, any message, and feeling we shared.
It was genuine from my side, it was genuine from his side, even though we were having or serious moments of doubts, just normal, 5 years of virtual - spiritual relationship.
He changed his project of life a couple of times, trying to be together, it didn't work.
I fooled myself thinking that I am ready to start something with another purse soul that I found in the middle of a cocoa field, in Medina. I am trying to move on, thinking seriously about someone else, for first time after my spiritual lover.
How scary and challenging is having a person to person romantic relationship.
I have no idea how to handle it.
If this guy is not enough patient, I will destroy everything, or maybe I will do it by myself, if I am not having moments with myself to re-think what I do, what I believe, to balance my emotions, to free myself from the fear and the guiltiness. of my ego.
I am 34 years old.
I have a lot of opportunities in life, I am psychologist, hating the corruption in my country, loving and hating my culture, looking to free myself from all my evilness, making myself shine.
I have no discipline, I had an abortion long time ago, feeling strong about that decision, maybe the most responsible decision I ever took in my life.
I love my family.
I will love my spiritual ex- boyfriend for ever, or the idea that I have about him, or the way was making me feel: alive!!
I am openly moving on.
